Recently, the night before I flew to begin staging rehearsals for an opera gig, I had an anxiety dream.
Anxiety dreams around singing gigs are not new to me. I have had many of them over the years. They are always variations on the same theme: I am backstage, or in a rehearsal room and, in some way or other, I am out of the loop. I don’t recognize the music and nobody will tell me what opera we are doing. Or, I’ve lost my score and nobody will let me look at theirs. Or, I have my score but the notes dissolve right off the page.
At their core, all these dreams were always about being expected to do something that I was not prepared for. These dreams served as a sign that it was time for me to start studying a role ahead of an upcoming debut, or working on a musical spot that had given me trouble. My anxiety dreams were a call to action: get to work, get prepared, get ready.
My anxiety dream last week was different. I knew the opera and staging well (it was Porgy and Bess in this dream). I just wasn’t in costume. I was still in my street clothes, and my hair was in a messy bun off my makeup-free face. In my dream, I heard the familiar bars of music moments from my first entrance and I was still in my yoga pants. So, I went onstage as I was.
The rest of the dream was about my trying to strategize mid-scene about getting into costume. Under the stage lights, I fretted about when I could slip offstage and into my stage dress. I suddenly realized that I had another option: I could just wake up. So, I did.
Since then, I’ve been thinking a great deal about how this latest anxiety dream was so different from all those that came before it. I knew my role and was prepared to sing it. I knew my staging. I simply was not ready to be onstage as anything other than myself. I woke up after that dream thinking: am I worried that I won’t be costumed, or I won’t WANT to be costumed? And, which costume, exactly, am I rejecting? My dream wasn’t about a lack of knowledge or information; it was about my indelible identity.
My professional focus has broadened over the past few years. I wear (and enjoy wearing!) many more creative hats than I used to: Performer. Writer. Teacher. Advocate. Entrepreneur. Despite my initial fears, I have slowly learned to define and value myself in more terms than just “opera singer.” I think my brain was using this dream to warn me that the trappings of my singer persona might not fit like they once did. But the most important message I got from my dream was confirmation that I can go onstage anyway…as myself.
Let’s Talk: has a dream ever taught you something about your identity?
photo credit: PixelLabs
