I have been burning the candle at both ends, lately. Actually, I’ve been cutting my candle into pieces and lighting the nubs. But all that ended this week. I ran out of wick.
I am sick. My body is saying no.
Since I last wrote on this blog, I have traveled, sung, studied, taught, directed, written, produced, managed, daughtered, and wifed – in excess. Everyone in my life, in one way or another (including Barbara, my CLP partner!) has said to me “You are doing too much. You need to take a break.” I agreed, every time. I usually said something like, “I just have to get through this week,” or “I just have to get this project in,” or “I just have to finish writing this article.” And then, I would do it again. I would break off another piece of my candle, and light a match.
What is wrong with me, physically, will resolve itself. It’s just a cold. My voice is gone (or at least, it has migrated down two octaves!), and my head is full of crud, but otherwise I feel pretty good!
I want to take this time to ask myself some hard questions. Why is it so hard for me to say no, even when I know I should? Why do I agree to take on responsibilities that I know will drain me and leave me open to burnout? And, why does it take my body going on strike for me to finally insist that my limits be respected?
I am demanding a more equitable contract with myself.
Do you have any tips for me, as I head to the negotiating table? Or do you find yourself in similar straits? Let’s Talk: How’s your candle lit?
Image by elHelfer from Pixabay
2 thoughts on “Fire Risk”
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!
— First Fig by Edna St. Vincent Millay
Just for me personally, it’s enough to remember what being sick feels like and how much I hate it, so most of my actions are “reverse-incentivized” toward avoiding that. I picture my health as a meter, like in a video game, and before I take on something too strenuous I think, “is this gonna tank my physical well-being?” and usually that’s enough to de-motivate against taking on that extra task.