This past weekend, I had my first experience in a “workshop.” We are premiering a brand new piece in a few months, and we got together in one room to study the score. The music we are preparing is difficult, but not unlearnable. It is new to all of us, so we are all in the same position. We had access to the vocal score and a digital audio mock-up of the orchestral score for about 2 months before we all convened to “sing through” it at the workshop.
Intellectually, I understood that two months was not a long time. I was doing loads of other important things in this period as well, so I could not give the piece my undivided attention. I imagined that my colleagues would be in a similar position. We were there to study together, to make mistakes together, and to learn together. That was the whole point.
Nevertheless, I was so nervous the days before the workshop, I couldn’t sleep. I dreamt intervals. I conducted meter changes behind my eyelids. During the day, I was too busy (and too scattered) to actually study the piece; instead, I just ruminated on repeat about how unprepared I was, what a crappy musician I am, and what a huge fool I was about to make of myself. There was a small voice in my head, trying to remind me of the facts of the situation (see paragraph above), but there was a louder, much shriekier voice that was drowning out the sound of all reason. My anxiety was singing fortissimo and my rational thoughts could only muster a tepid mezzopiano.
I got there. It was fine. I sang, and I made mistakes. Other people made mistakes. We laughed, and bonded, and when I left I felt better, more excited, and more prepared for the challenge ahead.
Let’s talk: How do we get the voices in our brain to harmonize instead of compete with each other?
